zindagi ek samundar, samundar mein machhli
machhli ka jahan hai chhota sa vyaas (diameter)
lahro ke dhakko se bacha liya gaya
aur anubhav/tajurba ban gaya un-bujhi pyaas
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thoughts of the conscious and the subconscious mind
16 comments:
I am unsure what you want to express in this poem. Poetry should be very terse and words should not be repetitive. For example:
machhlii kaa jahaaN hai chhotaa sa vyaas
can easily be written as
machhlii ka hai chhotaa vyaas
Unnecessary words aren't quite a good idea in poetry. (Not that I am a great poet myself; just thought to express the criticism I receive myself sometimes).
Best
B
Hey Bhaalu,
Very apt comment, looks like you somewhat got a hold on language. It could never occur to me. Do you happen to write something? Poems, articles? I used to write "poems" a while ago and then I realized it's not my cup of tea.
Thanks Bhaaluu, but I used the word "jahaan" in that sentence to make it clear that the machhli's entire life is spent within and only in that small diameter.
This poem describes life of a human being who is protected by everybody around him/her! This persons life is limited to only a small "diameter" where no bad things can enter. Whenever something goes wrong, the adults or parental figures or whoever is responsible for the person make sure that the "machhli" doesn't have to deal with it. Pani mein rehkar bhi tajurbe ki "pyaas" implies.. the person is a human being, living life, yet not being able to face the challenges. The ups and downs and the mushkile are what this "machhli" wants to face and frm these experiences learn about many things that its not being able to understand or face while being caged in an invisible circle.
btw, did I tell you I have a friend whose nick is also Bhalu? ;-) He too is pretty philosophical!
ah i got you:
jahaan = world
and not
jahaan = where as;
But still try to reword it. I will strongly suggest you learn beh'r and practice brief (yet complete) writing,
Best
B
Hi Anshu:
I do write poems in sanskrit/awadhi and Urdu. You can check my blog for some sample. Oh yes, I am not very philosophical, but I do like to think more about environment,
Best
B
Forgot to add that I am unclear about how tajurbaa is becoming "anbujhi pyaas." Since the machlii is saved everytime by parents, she is unaware of "tajurbaa." If she is unaware of it (like a kid say) then how can she be thirsty for it? Most kids (even young) are unaware of experience.
I don't like advertizing, but I have a poem on my mother. Come and have a look if you feel like,
Best
B
Q: If she [the machhli] is unaware of it [tajurba] (like a kid say) then how can she be thirsty for it?
A: When a child is born it does not know what hunger, thirst, or pain is.. yet it feels all these things and cries. After eating/drinking/getting enough love, it quites down because it's "pyaas" was taken care of.
hope, this answers your question
Come on Geetali. How fair is the comparison between absence of experience and hunger? Hunger is very much a natural phenomenon. If you leave a man in cave, he would feel hunger, but would never worry about *experience*.
Best
B
some things seem to be felt universaly, while others don't.. maybe because each and every person is different.
Not all persons are born rich, yet almost everybody wants to earn lot's and lot's of money... the very poor has never had experience with the money, yet he wants it because he has had experience without it.
some ppl are naturally outgoing, some are naturally very studious, some are more curious than others... it all lies in the personality.
This happens because the poor sees rich people around. Do you assume that the machhli sees another machhli going here and there and hence misses that experience? But your poem nowhere says/assumes that.
Best
B
some things are left upto the reader to imagine/assume/accept. there's always some room to explore. if poets/writers start pointing out every little detail, literature won't be called "thought provoking"
the parent figure that is taking care of machhli supposedly has "experience" and that's the reason why they are "protecting" her. the machhli sees "experienced individual" within her vyaas.
You are absolutely right Geetali. There is never a wrong perception to poem's perspective of viewing things. Poetry is all about innovatively connecting things either totally similar or things that are not even remotely related to each other. That is when the whole concept is considered germinal and as you aptly put it - "thought provoking". I'm not telling that any piffle with rhyme makes a poem. But poem is all about eliminating differences, settling with the nuances and getting those different expressions intertwined with a sense of rhythm. For instance I've seen metaphors like "steel sun" to indicate how hot and harsh the sun shone on that day. Now is steel really that scorching as mid-noon summer sun or is even the sun metallic in nature ? This was a comparsion relating the rigidity and the glow that both offer.
There is no limit to which imagination can stretch and hence I think there is no room for argument in this case. :) It is surprising that an analysis of a quartet can be so long :p
I come from a different school of thought then. Amidst all the writing classes I looked around, each one of them suggested that the piece of poem/literature should bear completeness (as much as possible).
All the assumptions that machhli had a parent etc. get clear (in fact they are post-factor explanations as I feel) only when you explain it to me. An anonymous reader who does not knows you won't understand the poem at all. But anyway, sorry for messing it up. Have a nice day,
Best regards,
Bhaaluu
PS:
Poetry is all about innovatively connecting things either totally similar or things that are not even remotely related to each other.
Where did you get this idea from? I am unsure what it means! You don't connect remotely unrelated things in either similie/simile or metaphors. Only if there is a certain ``parallelism'' or ``anti-parallelism'' you connect two things in poetry. If you disagree then cite an example. (Oh yes, and discussions should be open-hearted with accepted mistakes. No swearing!).
steel sun
Regarding this phrase, the two are compared since steel and sun, both, shine during the day. Another possible attribute is the toughness, i.e., mid-noon sun and steel are tough to tolerate in adverse situations.
Certainly since sun and steel are different things, such expressions only match one or two properties. There is no unrelatedness here, as much as I can see. A common property is being matched up (and that's the whole basis of the adjective attached to sun). The two objects, as a whole, cannot be matched.
Best regards,
Bhaaluu
PS: Personally this adjective is hollow for me. The author/poet must have written it in wider context. Standalone, this phrase is not very appealing.
Sorry Geetali. I might just have to use up some more space of yours :p
Hello !
Just a few points:
You don't connect remotely unrelated things in either similie/simile or metaphors
When did I say you connect those things in either similie or metaphors ? I mentioned both of them on two disparate levels at a distance of 51 words from each other. They were two different points and I think you got the wrong end of the stick. And even when I was talking about the connection I couldn't really coin it in terms of Pyaralalism or Aunty Pyaralalism but that was what I tried to express.
If you disagree then cite an example
Ctrl + G, Ctrl + G
Hello ! Since we haven't hung up yet, steel sun was an example I was trying to cite. Well everyone's entitled to their opinion but the aforementioned was from a popular poem A Punishment in Kindergarten written by a prolific poet Kamala Das. I'm still wondering why I did not find that one h ll w :-?
Since the operator has not decided to disconnect my service I'll take the liberty to tell you more about it.
I come from a different school of thought then
Now let me recollect if I emphasized this in a different manner altogether.
There is never a wrong perception to poem's perspective of viewing things.
Oh ! Yes. I think so.
An anonymous reader who does not knows you won't understand the poem at all.
Honestly, I swear by my auricular diastole that atleast 2 in every 5 (to be more precise maybe even 2.5 or 2.75 poems) exist where normally 80 percent (rather 83.175 percent) of readers refer to the post-scripts for analysis and understanding the poem. Poems are no lesser than rocket science.
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